What is it that we seek in life? We are all born to die, and the purpose in which we live is mostly empty. There has always been something missing that we can’t seem to find the answers to. That what we can’t understand, we fear, with prejudice; and that what we can’t see or hear, we turn a blind eye to with cold silence.
Humanity as I see it, is an ignorance race. There is hope. But that hope is like a whisper in this nosey world. How will anyone see it or hear it. I grew up hearing and seeing all that which now seems like a blanket over my eyes, and far from reality. But there were clues that I saw, which I never paid an attention to, as I found them a bit boring. It started with monks, and how they would sit in mountains for days, meditating, eating insects and trying to connect with the world. Then at the age of 25, I noticed something strange happening to me. I started to feel and see the soul of people by looking at their faces. The headaches were crazy, the more I surrounded myself around people, the stronger the feelings of emotion I felt from everyone around me. All that was way too much for me to handle. Going to a nightclub was insane, as I felt the energy of everyone around me. The headaches would be sharp, and I would find it hard to look up straight, or even keep my eyes open. As I felt forces punching down on me.
What was happening to me? I still had no idea. But over the next ten years, I went through more negative energy anyone can imagine. The energy came in forms of jealousy, family feud, and I saw myself getting beaten down over and over again. Wanting to kill myself, but couldn’t find the strength to, as I was afraid. I found myself alone, feeling the forces of this world pushing me into a corner. I would try to find my way out, only to be forced back into the corner by a thousand forces of negative energy. How I wondered am I going to get out of this? Then as I was watching the movie, ‘The Devil’s Advocate,’ something hit me. A thought came into my mind, what if it is the devil’s inside of me? I thought to myself, the devil thrives on misery, pain, jealously, but what sins have I commented in my life, for me to go through such tough times. I stole a chocolate bar once from a candy story. I stole some money from my sister’s wallet when I was 12 years old.
What else could I do? Who else could I go in front of to ask for forgiveness for whatever I did wrong? I was on the opposite side of the country away from family. No friends. No familiar faces anywhere in sight. I found myself dropping to my knees, as tears found their way flowing down my cheeks, with bursts of pain coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t even cry properly, like they do in the movies. I must have looked like a retard if I was a fly on the wall looking at myself. However I was at that time, and no matter how ugly it looked. It was my pain, a start of a rebirth of my life.
I prayed to God many times in my past, only to find the prayers never getting answered. I read somewhere in my past, that if going in one direction in life is not working, change you direction and go onto another path. So I did. I thought to myself as I lay on the floor, if my normal thing is to ask God for help, like I always have in my past. I am going to do the opposite. I am going to look at the devil inside of me. The devil has always tried to take my life by putting me into a drug of darkness. I love photography, so in the beginning, the devil’s energy took my passion and turned it into an act of destruction as I found myself in a trance of doing dangerous photo shoots. Afraid, confused as to the purpose of this act. I explained to the beautiful women what I was trying to do, and they were excited and all for it. I found the women I worked with on these acts, their energy itself had a dark side as well. Strangely after dozens and dozens of attempts to kill my energy, nothing happened. I found myself looking death right in the eye, and feeling a sense of another powerful energy that would not let any harm come to me. In this process that was meant to destroy me, I found myself getting even stronger. Connecting with women at such a deeper level than any man ever did in their lives was amazing. Can anything weirder and crazy happen to me, I thought?
