Over the years, I often found myself stuck in a hole, fighting with the negative forces of life. The world saw me as successful. Inside my energy, body and spirit, I was far from it. I believe that sometimes bad spiritual people can send you evil spirits that keep your mind all confused, distracted from your goals, and a bit insane, if you are weak at heart. When I kept getting defeated by these spirits, and years of my life kept passing on by, something had to give. I started to see some goodness come out of life. Such as the truth started shinning in my life. All of what I was blamed for in my family, for stealing, came out, as it was my sister’s own son. Things with him got out of hand, as he ended up reaching a gambling debt of over $1 million. And he told the truth in his confessions to the family on when he started and how he found money to gamble with. He told them how he stole the money of which I got blamed. The response from the family, I sensed was more bitterness towards me, rather than, “Oh we are sorry for blaming you for this.” Those reactions kept building a deeper empty hole inside of me.
The time came for me, to “Dance with the devil.” From my point of view, he had been playing with my emotions and my life for the past 10 years. Spinning negative people, negative thoughts and mental mind games at me. I found through methods of dancing with the devil; myself fearless, forgiving, understanding, and a better communicator. I started to read people better without getting headaches. I started to find solutions to people’s problems, and issues, as I started to see things so clearly. I had no fear. Nothing in my sight was un-doable.
I was looking at life in a totally different way, from what is actually was. Life to me now was energy! Energy is all around us. Energy is in the pen that you hold, the chair that you sit on, the flower that you smell. It is all around us, and we are all connected and in it. The color of our skin, the language we speak does not matter, as they are all little things to the real big picture of our life. When we die, we are either buried, or burned. If we are burned like my father was, we become nothing but mere dust and ashes, which are spread into water, land and the air. When you are buried; you become the soil of our earth for the planets, and bugs to eat. The soil over time is used to grow planets, and harvest of all kind, which in return we eat. The cycle of life continues and our fragments of who we once were are spread into billions, and billions of pieces and over time have the power to reach the entire planet. We never die; we just recycle into something else and keep living.
The fiber of life is such as it senses your energy and what it can handle at any given time in your life. Sometimes life pushes you, because it believes in you, when you don’t believe in yourself. A lot of people can’t handle that pressure. Everything around you gives off energy. It’s in your bed, bed frame, blanket, walls, clothes, etc. Even if you don’t say it, your energy will pick up on your emotions, and stop the process of your development, if it feels you can’t handle it.
The saying, “What you give in life is what you get back,” is true.
Putting the pieces back together in my life was easy, after I figured out in ten years, what people don’t in a lifetime. In a culture that I was born in, it’s important for them to have a boy. Having older sisters, myself being the youngest. It didn’t make sense as to why I was outlawed, not given the love and support. I made minor and little mistakes, as many do, at that age in life. I listened to my elders, never did drugs, never smoked. Then it hit me. What if I wasn’t their blood! That mere thought sent a chill down my spin. I didn’t get emotional quite then, and thought about it a bit more. Suppose I was a stepchild of my father’s, or adopted. Since my father passed away over 3 years ago, I am not about to get any answers from him. These thoughts were starting to paint a picture, which I didn’t like. My nephew can blow over a $1 million in gambling and the family can get him out of it, and forgive him, because he is blood. I stole $40 and a chocolate bar in my life and I get thrown to the gutters. As I thought about it, and started to think that if I am a stranger in their house, raised as an infant. And made some mistakes, the first thought they can think is, “Who knows, whose blood this boy is and what evil he can bring into this family.” I called my mother and tried to talk to her for answers to the negative energy from the family and tell her, “I feel like a…,” and she finishes off my sentence, “an orphan?”
“Yes,” I tell her.
“I know,” she says, as I hear her on the phone starting to cry. She doesn’t say anything else. She is old, weak and not in the best of health these days. I tell her:
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