“Rest up, I understand. It’s ok. I always have and always will love you. I will call you later.” She says, “Ok,” as I hang up. She could of corrected what I felt if I was wrong, but she didn’t. Her silence and not wanting to bear the pain of telling me the truth, was something at her age she could not handle. And what came next, as I held my cell phone in my hand, was an intense pressure of emptiness, pain, jaw locking up, as I am unable to breathe. Unable to cry, as the pressure builds up into my head, back of my neck, as I want to cry, but can’t, cause I am afraid, I won’t be able to handle myself, as I feel the need for some love around me, but all I see are empty streets. This happens as I am about to head to a house party. I sit in my car for another 40 minutes. Suck it up, I keep telling myself. I get out of my car, and start walking towards the house. Who I am, my name, are just some of the many questions I have racing in and out of my head, as I walk into the party.
I have figured out that life really hasn’t given me anything, because I really haven’t given life anything either. So I did suck it up. Every so often when I think about it, I get that crow stuck in the throat feeling, again.
I am going to change the world, I tell myself every morning when I wake up. Why you might ask? To live empty, in pain, unloved, in sadness, is not what is life is all about. I know there is more. I have never lost hope. I look back at my life and what I have learned. My life is not a mistake. There are forces at work here and I have felt even in my darkest moments, those forces being there, perhaps silently crying for me, when I couldn’t. Are those forces good, bad? It doesn’t matter to me any more, as I am ready to take on anything. Those forces have given me strength, courage, ability to spread love in people and see the beauty in everyone. I took my crazy devilish standing on the throat idea to empower women, who have been at the short end of the stick of physical and mental abuse by men. Giving these women the power to feel beautiful, in control, and to watch them unleash their bottled up pain once and for all, was priceless, as I watched them dance on the soul of a man. With confidence, they can step out of their fears and stand up for what they believe in. To give that power back to the powerless is a sacrifice I loved making, as I was still very pissed at the devil. My fight with the devil was not over, as I knew it sat in the hearts of many men and women. F*ck, I am going to die anyway one day. I thought to myself, why not just dance with life. The devil and god hand in hand. I still have a lot to life for. I still have to find the love of my life. Hope is all I always had, and always will.
In the fiber of spirituality, we are all connected. Our prayers, our past, our wishes are all within this fiber of energy. I have no desire to get anything back from anyone. I came empty handed into this world, and I am going to leave empty handed.
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